Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The 5 Worst Songs of 2012

Well, it's been all fun and sunshine here at Keep It Country Kids the past few posts.  Looking back at the best of 2012 has been fun and nostalgic.  Now, we must look at the bad.  Which artist are to blame for bringing us some of the worst garbage in 2012?  Take a look at the countdown...
5. Feel Like A Rockstar- Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw

When a Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw duet was announced, I was very interested.  Seriously.  Kenny had just released "You & Tequila", his best song in years, and Tim had just released the great song "Better Than I Used To Be" and fought for his artistic freedom from Curb Records.  I expected two middle aged country stars putting out a great song about their wisdom and years on the road.... Nope.  Instead we get two guys on a midlife crisis singing a country (allegedly) song about being a rock star.. or something.  Feeling like a rockstar actually.  It's a pointless, blatant attempt to milk some extra cash from their dual headlining tour.  It didn't do that well at radio, but it won a freaking CMA.  That's embarrassing people.

4. Cruise- Florida-Georgia Line

The Florida Georgia Line boys are the latest members of the ever growing "Douchy Wannabe Country Rock Star" club, but unlike the Locash Cowboys and the thousands of crappy artists Average Joes Entertainment throws at us, these guys are in the Scott Borchetta run Big Machine group and have had major radio success with "Cruise".  "Cruise" is a song about poor grammar, law breaking, and putting windows down.  Deep huh?  Look, I'll admit this song is very catchy, I even found myself singing along at first.  But it is pure dribble.  The 3rd grade lyrics (baby you a song??) and same old same old laundry lists would be enough, but the fact that these guys reek of suburban Kmart-cowboy wannabes make it so much worse.  Have they ever been in the country? There's dirt there!  That won't look good on their $500 dollar designer jeans!  
If you like this song, I have great news.  They literally repeated the same meaningless crap 11 times for their album.  It's "Cruise" parts 1-11.  Enjoy.

3. Drunk On You- Luke Bryan
See that guy dry humping the air above?  That's the face of country music in 2012 kids.  Lukey Luke has been gyrating and grinding his way into your teenage daughters' dreams like none other this year.  Luke used to have so much potential, but around the time the atrocious "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)" came out, he went off the deep end.  Luke went from having decent songs with a solid country vibe early in his career to singing "Drunk Girl In My Truck While I Dance Like A Stripper Part I, II, III".  Watching Luke dance and sway on stage during award shows has become embarrassing.  He has to know he is a walking punchline by now, right?  Anyway, his song "Drunk On You" in theory, isn't that bad. There are some clever lines and it does at least sound country.  There are two glaring issues: First, its approximately the 5692145th song about THE EXACT SAME THING on the radio to come out in the past 5 years, and about 698 of them are courtesy of Luke.  We get it.  You like beer, trucks, and girls with beer in a truck.  Secondly, and I quote: "Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom".  What does that even mean??  That is such a lazy excuse of a line, and the kids just eat it up.  No more lyrics reflecting life and love, let's throw onamonapias around!!!  We should expect better.  Hopefully, in a few years, Luke will wake up older, wiser, and uglier and realize that he has a great voice and can use it for so much more that this.

Jason Aldean and Luke Bryan now have matching tattoos.  You can't make this stuff up.

2. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together- Taylor Swift
Look, I have always been a defender of Taylor Swift.  She writes her own songs, plays her own guitar, and puts real emotion into her material.  In a world where most teen stars fizzle and fade, she has put forth some real substance.  Unfortunately, this is NOT substance.

Don't make that face Taylor.  You shouldn't be surprised.
We Are Never Ever Getting Back together is juvenile, poorly written, and completely pop.  It doesn't have a shred of country in its make-up.  Taylor strayed from her normal music row producer for a few tracks on her new album, picking some big names form the pop world, and this is the result. Look, if Taylor wants to go out and make pop songs too, good for her.  Ride that cash cow as long as you can hun.  But don't put that garbage on my country radio.  This song, thanks to some restructuring of the Billboard rules to include downloads to measure a song's progress, sat on top of the COUNTRY charts for weeks!!!

Seriously Taylor.  I thought you knew.
Besides all the complaints of whether it is country or not, I just don't like the song.  It's has little to offer besides a 12 year old's new sing along in the minivan while mom thanks God that her little princess idolizes Taylor and not Lady Gaga.   Taylor has so much more potential than this, she really has the talent to make great music when she wants to.  Any other year this would be a shoo in for the worst song of the year, but since there is a ton of crap, it is pushed to number two. Take solace in that, Taylor. 
Little victories.  Go on and celebrate.

Blake can't believe it either.  "There's something worse than THAT?!?!?"

Alas, there is Blake.  Taylor's pop is bad, but it was widely recognized as not country.  The number one song was truly a slap in the face to real country fans.... you winner is...............

1. Truck Yeah- Tim McGraw
Oh Tim.  You managed to get 1 song on my Top 10, and two on the Worst 5.  Talk about an up and down year.  Tim fought for artistic freedom from Curb Records and won early in 2102.  We eagerly awaited the edgy tunes that would come from Tim's struggle.  Instead, we get a steaming heap of dog turd wrapped in glitter and plastered to our TVs and radio.  "Truck Yeah" is embarrassing.  Country music is about real life, stories of heartache and pain, struggles and triumphs.  Hank Williams didn't sing about being country.  He's Hank Williams!  You already know he is!  Today, country has gone the route of rap music, where you just brag over loud noises for three minutes.  No story, no soul, just talkin bout my truck yo.   Tim attempts to rap this nonsense, name dropping a country legend Lil Wayne in the process.  Keep in mind this is a 40 something, almost 50 year old man.  Not some angsty kid with a attitude.  It's supposed to sound like a dirty word... get it?? Truck rhymes with.... get it??? There's no story, no plot, no...anything.  Tim McGraw has a truck. Yeah.  Lets talk about that.  There were hundreds of lame trucks songs this year, but this one particularly rubbed me wrong.  It is the most devoid of content song I've ever heard on country radio.  The saddest thing is, this is music row's answer to Taylor Swift, Rascal Flatts, and Hunter Hayes prettying up the country world.  As opposed to writing REAL COUNTRY songs, they make songs about how country they are to oppose the onslaught of pop.  This isn't fixing anything.  We need to fight back against this crap, and demand radio play REAL songs, not brag filled country raps.  
I hope you enjoyed the look back at the worst of 2012!  Hopefully 2013 won't provide me with so much material, but one can only dream.  Have a great Christmas and New Year and always KEEP IT COUNTRY KIDS!!!!  Any final words Tim?
Yo.  Keep it country dawg, ya herrrrd? Word to yo mutha!  Truck yeah!